#Dreaming - #14

"As you move toward a dream, the dream moves toward to you." - Julia Cameron

"Most of us are not raised to actively encounter our destiny.

We may not know that we have one.  As children, we are seldom told we have a place in life that is uniquely ours alone.  Instead, we are encouraged to believe that our life should somehow fulfil the expectations of others, that we will (or should) find our satisfactions as they have found theirs.  Rather than being taught to ask ourselves who we are, we are schooled to ask others.  We are, in effect, trained to listen to others' versions of ourselves.  We are brought up in our life as told to us by someone else!  When we survey our lives, seeking to fulfil our creativity, we often see we had a dream that went glimmering by because we believed, and those around us believed, that the dream was beyond our reach!  Many of us would have been, or at least might have been, done, tried something,  if... if we had known who we really were." - Julia Cameron

Omgoodness - YES!

When I read this I was reminded why I love Julia's writings so much.  When I read her books it feels like she wrote them just for me.  Almost 20 years ago now, a lady told me prophetically, that my {dreams} had died.  I really didn't know what she meant... I didn't actually know I had any.  It's quite an advanced concept.  I have to admit... it's something I am constantly challenged with, with my own girls - how to bring them up to search for their own {dreams} so that destiny doesn't elude them. 

Understanding {dreams} has been a journey of understanding for the past 6 years.  It didn't happen overnight but it's something I'm absolutely passionate about!  Figuring out what I wanted to do with my life - wasn't easy at all!  When you don't know who you are - it's really difficult... I eventually asked myself out of all the things I've got going on in my life - what is it that gives me complete inner joy (besides my family) and it was the joy I felt with a paintbrush in my hand... And when I was creating.

Don't get me wrong - I didn't for one minute think I am a natural or completely brilliant at being an artist...  I work very hard at it... but just think how good I would be by now if I had been doing it my whole adult life.

To me, grasping your {dreams} - is just the first step in the direction of destiny!

When I knew it was what I wanted to do - I started getting serious about my journey to realising these {dreams]... even if it appeared absolutely ludicrous to anyone else.  And for the past 2 years I've been working it... multiple courses, learning, failing, growing and working into the small hours of the morning.  But I can honestly say I've never felt happier.  And I'm excited!  Destiny can do that to you!

I want to teach my girls that {dreams} do come true - they don't drop out of the sky and bump us on the head.  It's a journey!  It's hard work.  But if we give them half a chance - it's a chance of living a truly beautiful life!

#Hidden - #13

{Hidden}

Two years ago now I took the decision to {hide} a bit.  From life, my life and the world... just a little bit!  I was a bit depressed and was suffering from burnout.  It was as a result of where I had allowed my life to lead me… instead of me taking control of my life.  Partly because of the kind of person I was and the things I had spent a lifetime allowing.

And the closer I got to 40, the more panicked I felt about the direction my life was taking.  I had no idea who I was!  And I had no idea what I liked and what I wanted for my life.  All I knew was that things had to change and the biggest thing that had to change was ME!

One of the things we changed was that we moved HOME.  I knew on the onset, that it was going to be a bit of a private journey between myself and my beautiful family… who totally gave me the space and time.

I took a year off work!

And I was proactive in searching for my way forward because I was desperate for change.  I spent a year getting physically fit and trail running weekly with my running buddy!  She was the only person I had regular time with!  It was a very positive time for me.  I also woke up early everyday and I started journaling again.  I spent everyday in my studio… creating was instrumental to my healing.  I shutdown FB, my email account and I was selective with my calls.  I withdrew from unhealthy relationships and most of all, the expectations.  It felt like my whole life was about doing the "right" thing and doing what was expected of me.  Even if that wasn't even what I actually wanted for myself.

I was desperate for privacy and I became very selective about who I let in.  I craved silence, stillness and quiet.  It's become a beautiful thing for me.

Social media, as wonderful as it can be and there is a place for it, it can steal your privacy and portrays a persona which for me, was against my authentic self.

It's been two years of {hiding} and being still... and I'm still counting.  Don't get me wrong, I am not reclusive but I am selective.  With my time and the expectations - I learnt to say "no".  And I can't tell you how having autonomy {freedom from external control and influence} has healed me and changed me in so many ways.

A more healthier me has lead to many positive changes in my life… I do have a FB Profile now under my arty name, that's kind of stuck and now I only use FB for my art and my online art classrooms and ways of connecting with other wonderful artists from all over the world. I seldom share my feelings or personal things there.  The personal stuff - I keep for one on one meaningful connections!  The other day, I met a lovely artist online, Kelley Berkey who has walked a similar journey.  It made me realize I wasn't alone and I dare say there are many of us 40 somethings out there that have taken drastic measures like this to regroup and reconnect with our "Authentic Self"

To recreate new paths… that perhaps for the first time in our lives… makes perfect sense!