Monday 4 November 2013

#Hidden - #13

{Hidden}

Two years ago now I took the decision to {hide} a bit.  From life, my life and the world... just a little bit!  I was a bit depressed and was suffering from burnout.  It was as a result of where I had allowed my life to lead me… instead of me taking control of my life.  Partly because of the kind of person I was and the things I had spent a lifetime allowing.

And the closer I got to 40, the more panicked I felt about the direction my life was taking.  I had no idea who I was!  And I had no idea what I liked and what I wanted for my life.  All I knew was that things had to change and the biggest thing that had to change was ME!

One of the things we changed was that we moved HOME.  I knew on the onset, that it was going to be a bit of a private journey between myself and my beautiful family… who totally gave me the space and time.

I took a year off work!

And I was proactive in searching for my way forward because I was desperate for change.  I spent a year getting physically fit and trail running weekly with my running buddy!  She was the only person I had regular time with!  It was a very positive time for me.  I also woke up early everyday and I started journaling again.  I spent everyday in my studio… creating was instrumental to my healing.  I shutdown FB, my email account and I was selective with my calls.  I withdrew from unhealthy relationships and most of all, the expectations.  It felt like my whole life was about doing the "right" thing and doing what was expected of me.  Even if that wasn't even what I actually wanted for myself.

I was desperate for privacy and I became very selective about who I let in.  I craved silence, stillness and quiet.  It's become a beautiful thing for me.

Social media, as wonderful as it can be and there is a place for it, it can steal your privacy and portrays a persona which for me, was against my authentic self.

It's been two years of {hiding} and being still... and I'm still counting.  Don't get me wrong, I am not reclusive but I am selective.  With my time and the expectations - I learnt to say "no".  And I can't tell you how having autonomy {freedom from external control and influence} has healed me and changed me in so many ways.

A more healthier me has lead to many positive changes in my life… I do have a FB Profile now under my arty name, that's kind of stuck and now I only use FB for my art and my online art classrooms and ways of connecting with other wonderful artists from all over the world. I seldom share my feelings or personal things there.  The personal stuff - I keep for one on one meaningful connections!  The other day, I met a lovely artist online, Kelley Berkey who has walked a similar journey.  It made me realize I wasn't alone and I dare say there are many of us 40 somethings out there that have taken drastic measures like this to regroup and reconnect with our "Authentic Self"

To recreate new paths… that perhaps for the first time in our lives… makes perfect sense!

2 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing your story like this. I knew some parts but here it was well put together. Once again I feel we have many things in common. Im happy for you who now are on a better path moving forward. I salute your achievements, you have done massive work.

    You inspire me in so many ways. Thank you for that.

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    1. Wow thank you so much for your words around this topic. I am beginning to understand there are so many of us in this spot! I'm just excited about how we move forward and out if it to a more healthy and more authentic self. It's rather exciting! Thanks for your emails and feedback too! It means more to me than you know. Much love special lady!

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